this archive will be up until i can print it all out and then you can kiss it good-bye forever...so, reminisce while you still can.

i'm through with this. i'm sick of people reading too much into what i write on here and ignoring what's there in person. livejournal is a waste of my time and a waste of your's if you read this. i don't talk to anyone who's on my friends list anymore, nor do i really care to (as the feeling is mutual) and i don't care for you (my viewers) to read this shit anymore. find an alternate way into my brain if you're that into me.

i've always thought that maybe i was addicted to the idea of being depressed or being the damsel in distress...and maybe that thought is truth. maybe i've been stalling myself all of this time and just trying to make myself seem like a pity case when i'm anything but. maybe i believed too hard in the idea that since everyone else in my family was a failure and that by me being a part of the family, i was destined to fail as well...maybe i just didn't think i was worthy of anything more than failure...and why do i never feel complete without having someone's arms around me? why am i always searching for love with such unwavering faith and ignoring the crumbling steps behind me that were leading me to higher ground? why is it that i don't feel confident about myself without someone's words or their hand on the small of my back guiding me? i long to be successfully independent, but at the same time, i pray to share it with someone else. and why do some people and some things seem unattainable to us? that's not fact...but happiness and love seem unattainable to me because i haven't had any of it since i was a child. i am nothing short of ridiculous and you are my beautiful mistake.

quote of the day: i think that the things myself and about 5 other people do directly affect 65,000 people globally -- thats a big responsibility. and i dont even speak chinese.

-anthony on his new job

yes, this is going to be another hasty update. i'm working a lot, sleeping as much as i can (considering it's on a shit couch every nite) and trying to get a desk asap so i can finally set up my computer. poor cade, you'll be resurrected soon enough. oh, and i got my grades from this spring semester...let's just say that my comm. professor is a god damn fucker and i have half a mind to fight him on my grade. because i deserved a B or an AB easily...

today's my first day off in i don't know how long...but i'm sick of training people. i'm proud of all my knowledge at work, but annoyed that me being the best at my job forces me to be the #1 trainer of new employees. but i guess that sort of thing shines on a resume, yesno? i slept in today, made plans to see x3 tonite, bought the cure's "the head on the door" on vinyl and got chocolate raspberry coffee (am so wired right now from it) with a bagel from big apple. it's the little things that keep me content...well, it's the generosity from a german man that made today's little purchases possible...

at the end of my shift last nite, this gorgeous, young (about my age) german man walked in and asked if i could help him locate an address and phone number. so i did, dialed it for him and told the party on the other end how to get to our hotel to pick up the foreign man. as i was leaving, the man came up to me and thanked me, then handed me a $20. i actually felt really bad for taking it. i should have declined it; it was too much...and there's a good chance that he had no idea how much money he was actually giving me...too bad he wasn't staying in our hotel. i would've done more to earn that $20 (and then some)...::wicked cackle::

anyway, new vinyl + coffee and bagel + day off = temporary happiness...and tomorrow's payday! =D

haven't written in a while, but i just wanted to jot down a few passages from a book i've been reading recently. i vowed to make time to read more this summer...and so far i'm doing well.

"i would hate to think that his body was no longer mine. no, i don't mean that, it's impossible. i'm a woman, how can i talk about possessing a man's body. how can you possess what you can't enter? what you don't invade, penetrate, fill with the unfamiliar, fill with the outside world, fill with yourself, the product of your body, all those swarming colonies of creatures: protozoans, tadpoles, fish, homunculi. how could a woman be said to possess a man? and is this is what i want? or is it just that i want him to be beside me in a way i can depend on? i don't want him to belong to anybody else. i want to be the only body he lives a bodily life beside. i want to be the only body he enters. i hope this isn't too much to ask."

"he makes me feel, walking beside him, or lying in bed, that he is opening up life. i've always felt that we all live so much of our lives as if we were in a sealed jar, the lid tight, looking out. things tap on the outside--branches, fingers--but not hard enough. if they tapped too hard, there would be breakage and that mustn't be. that's the damage that must be kept back."

from mary gordon's "the rest of life"

i'm continually amazed at how similar her writing style is to the thoughts that swarm in my head. my ideals on sex, love, life and inter-relating it all. i kinda wish i could attend one of her classes...maybe someday.

sitting here listening to calexico over and over...the rain's beginning to fall outside and the thunder's a' rollin'...my chest is tightening and i'm feeling a little dizzy and panicked. i should be working on my paper that's due at 12pm tomorrow, but i can't stop my mind from wandering. rainy nites make me miss sex more than anything in the world...i miss lazy afternoons with [c] when we'd shut ourselves in the dark confines of my room and put the jazz station on. most of the time we'd just lay there naked and watch the blinds flutter with the storm. i miss walking to [m]'s house in the rain at nite to climb into his massive bed. i miss how he made me feel invincible and gorgeous. i miss the way he wrapped his arms around the small of my back to lift me off the bed and kiss my stomach...he made me feel so small...and the way he kissed me out of sleep that last morning...i miss making love to [j] in french that rainy july weekend. god, how i miss just getting high off of someone's voice and their hot breath against my neck. i miss the excitement of touching someone else's skin...and the urgency that follows when you can't believe how god-damned beautiful they are and wondering how you ever went through your days without touching their skin before, or how much you fucking need to feel them all over you...or the moment that you realise that you're ready for someone to see you in that light.

i'm shaking right now. my chest feels like it's going to crack open. my hands are freezing. and i can barely hold back the tears.

i just hope pam doesn't walk in the door, because i can't stop shaking and i can't stop crying.

i'm dying to be ravished and i'm dying to feel like i'm wanted by (the idea of) someone so beautiful...

funny how 24 hours can make such a difference in my life...i can't believe it.



i didn't think it was possible. i didn't even think it was possible for me to successfully complete college...and you know what? when it finally sank in that i would be a college graduate, it scared me. i've hoped and prayed and cried, etc. about how much i wanted to be completely independent and now that it's finally going to be tangible, i'm scared. even though i've been close before...there are things that will still be new. this is it. this is my life starting. cars, apartments, houses, 401k's, the pairing off of friends, marriages, babies, occupational sacrifices, student loan payments, complete responsibility. no more summers sleeping on the couch at dad's or annual incomes that don't even come close to double digit k's...

this will make me happy. i'm ready. i'm ready...at least i think am...[[breathe]]

can't stop breaking out
can't stop breaking nails
skin is too dry
hands are always clammy
hair isn't the colour i want it to be
tired of repainting nails over and over

happy that my body is changing, but still wanting more
need to figure out why my nails are endlessly breaking...more protein?

physical changes + debilitating depression + too much schoolwork + more workshifts + empty bank account + maxed-out credit card = ginormous tension...seems like the start to a mm never ending math equation...sounds like i need some stress relief.

lelaina: i was going to be someone by the time i was 23.
troy: honey, the only thing you're supposed to be at 23 is yourself.
lelaina: i don't even know who that person is anymore.
troy: well, i do and we love her; i love her. she breaks my heart time and time again, but i love her...