this archive will be up until i can print it all out and then you can kiss it good-bye forever...so, reminisce while you still can.

i'm through with this. i'm sick of people reading too much into what i write on here and ignoring what's there in person. livejournal is a waste of my time and a waste of your's if you read this. i don't talk to anyone who's on my friends list anymore, nor do i really care to (as the feeling is mutual) and i don't care for you (my viewers) to read this shit anymore. find an alternate way into my brain if you're that into me.

i've always thought that maybe i was addicted to the idea of being depressed or being the damsel in distress...and maybe that thought is truth. maybe i've been stalling myself all of this time and just trying to make myself seem like a pity case when i'm anything but. maybe i believed too hard in the idea that since everyone else in my family was a failure and that by me being a part of the family, i was destined to fail as well...maybe i just didn't think i was worthy of anything more than failure...and why do i never feel complete without having someone's arms around me? why am i always searching for love with such unwavering faith and ignoring the crumbling steps behind me that were leading me to higher ground? why is it that i don't feel confident about myself without someone's words or their hand on the small of my back guiding me? i long to be successfully independent, but at the same time, i pray to share it with someone else. and why do some people and some things seem unattainable to us? that's not fact...but happiness and love seem unattainable to me because i haven't had any of it since i was a child. i am nothing short of ridiculous and you are my beautiful mistake.

quote of the day: i think that the things myself and about 5 other people do directly affect 65,000 people globally -- thats a big responsibility. and i dont even speak chinese.

-anthony on his new job

yes, this is going to be another hasty update. i'm working a lot, sleeping as much as i can (considering it's on a shit couch every nite) and trying to get a desk asap so i can finally set up my computer. poor cade, you'll be resurrected soon enough. oh, and i got my grades from this spring semester...let's just say that my comm. professor is a god damn fucker and i have half a mind to fight him on my grade. because i deserved a B or an AB easily...

today's my first day off in i don't know how long...but i'm sick of training people. i'm proud of all my knowledge at work, but annoyed that me being the best at my job forces me to be the #1 trainer of new employees. but i guess that sort of thing shines on a resume, yesno? i slept in today, made plans to see x3 tonite, bought the cure's "the head on the door" on vinyl and got chocolate raspberry coffee (am so wired right now from it) with a bagel from big apple. it's the little things that keep me content...well, it's the generosity from a german man that made today's little purchases possible...

at the end of my shift last nite, this gorgeous, young (about my age) german man walked in and asked if i could help him locate an address and phone number. so i did, dialed it for him and told the party on the other end how to get to our hotel to pick up the foreign man. as i was leaving, the man came up to me and thanked me, then handed me a $20. i actually felt really bad for taking it. i should have declined it; it was too much...and there's a good chance that he had no idea how much money he was actually giving me...too bad he wasn't staying in our hotel. i would've done more to earn that $20 (and then some)...::wicked cackle::

anyway, new vinyl + coffee and bagel + day off = temporary happiness...and tomorrow's payday! =D

haven't written in a while, but i just wanted to jot down a few passages from a book i've been reading recently. i vowed to make time to read more this summer...and so far i'm doing well.

"i would hate to think that his body was no longer mine. no, i don't mean that, it's impossible. i'm a woman, how can i talk about possessing a man's body. how can you possess what you can't enter? what you don't invade, penetrate, fill with the unfamiliar, fill with the outside world, fill with yourself, the product of your body, all those swarming colonies of creatures: protozoans, tadpoles, fish, homunculi. how could a woman be said to possess a man? and is this is what i want? or is it just that i want him to be beside me in a way i can depend on? i don't want him to belong to anybody else. i want to be the only body he lives a bodily life beside. i want to be the only body he enters. i hope this isn't too much to ask."

"he makes me feel, walking beside him, or lying in bed, that he is opening up life. i've always felt that we all live so much of our lives as if we were in a sealed jar, the lid tight, looking out. things tap on the outside--branches, fingers--but not hard enough. if they tapped too hard, there would be breakage and that mustn't be. that's the damage that must be kept back."

from mary gordon's "the rest of life"

i'm continually amazed at how similar her writing style is to the thoughts that swarm in my head. my ideals on sex, love, life and inter-relating it all. i kinda wish i could attend one of her classes...maybe someday.

sitting here listening to calexico over and over...the rain's beginning to fall outside and the thunder's a' rollin'...my chest is tightening and i'm feeling a little dizzy and panicked. i should be working on my paper that's due at 12pm tomorrow, but i can't stop my mind from wandering. rainy nites make me miss sex more than anything in the world...i miss lazy afternoons with [c] when we'd shut ourselves in the dark confines of my room and put the jazz station on. most of the time we'd just lay there naked and watch the blinds flutter with the storm. i miss walking to [m]'s house in the rain at nite to climb into his massive bed. i miss how he made me feel invincible and gorgeous. i miss the way he wrapped his arms around the small of my back to lift me off the bed and kiss my stomach...he made me feel so small...and the way he kissed me out of sleep that last morning...i miss making love to [j] in french that rainy july weekend. god, how i miss just getting high off of someone's voice and their hot breath against my neck. i miss the excitement of touching someone else's skin...and the urgency that follows when you can't believe how god-damned beautiful they are and wondering how you ever went through your days without touching their skin before, or how much you fucking need to feel them all over you...or the moment that you realise that you're ready for someone to see you in that light.

i'm shaking right now. my chest feels like it's going to crack open. my hands are freezing. and i can barely hold back the tears.

i just hope pam doesn't walk in the door, because i can't stop shaking and i can't stop crying.

i'm dying to be ravished and i'm dying to feel like i'm wanted by (the idea of) someone so beautiful...

funny how 24 hours can make such a difference in my life...i can't believe it.



i didn't think it was possible. i didn't even think it was possible for me to successfully complete college...and you know what? when it finally sank in that i would be a college graduate, it scared me. i've hoped and prayed and cried, etc. about how much i wanted to be completely independent and now that it's finally going to be tangible, i'm scared. even though i've been close before...there are things that will still be new. this is it. this is my life starting. cars, apartments, houses, 401k's, the pairing off of friends, marriages, babies, occupational sacrifices, student loan payments, complete responsibility. no more summers sleeping on the couch at dad's or annual incomes that don't even come close to double digit k's...

this will make me happy. i'm ready. i'm ready...at least i think am...[[breathe]]

can't stop breaking out
can't stop breaking nails
skin is too dry
hands are always clammy
hair isn't the colour i want it to be
tired of repainting nails over and over

happy that my body is changing, but still wanting more
need to figure out why my nails are endlessly breaking...more protein?

physical changes + debilitating depression + too much schoolwork + more workshifts + empty bank account + maxed-out credit card = ginormous tension...seems like the start to a mm never ending math equation...sounds like i need some stress relief.

lelaina: i was going to be someone by the time i was 23.
troy: honey, the only thing you're supposed to be at 23 is yourself.
lelaina: i don't even know who that person is anymore.
troy: well, i do and we love her; i love her. she breaks my heart time and time again, but i love her...

hey there sad girl
sitting in your long gray dress
that you made yourself
there's still safety pins in the hem.

hey there sad girl
you got a big cowl neck
'cause that small town barber
cut it too damn short.

sad girl
i wish i could be there
to pick you up...
hey sad girl i'll pick you up...

hey there sad girl
pacing in your cowboy pj's
you can't believe this midwest weather
sad girl, you better stop looking
out the bedroom window...

can't breathe, makes me sick
can't tell if i'd prefer your lips
on my neck
or your hands
around my throat

T.h.e. W.h.o.s

Who is in the house with you? house for me = dorm room, so pam.
Who are you thinking about now? anthony and matt b/c i'm trying to remember my dream (even skating in my sleep now, geez!!!).
Who's house did you last go to? anthony's.
Who do you sit next to in your 2nd period class? well, we don't have period classes here, so i'll just answer for my second class of the day. i sit between two jeremys.
Who is you favorite teacher? this past year it was prof. rumohr.
Who's birthday is next? pam's on april 9th! =D
Who was the last person you told you love them? my mom.
Who do you wish you were with right now? ::blink::
Who's your favorite relative? outside of immediate family? i guess i'd say my grandma.
Who gets on your nerves the most from your school? jocks.

T.h.e. W.h.a.t.s

What was the last thing you ate? a reuben and fries at lunch with andy.
What was the last thing you drank? coca-cola (first soda in over a week!).
What color pants are you wearing? my ratty boy jeans that my dad absolutely hates. really...he won't let me wear them around him b/c he hates them so much!
What kind of cell phone do you have? samsung e335.
What do you like about school? my dorm, roommate and meal plans.
What are you wearing on your feet? skin. =p
What is your favorite color? blood red.
What is your favorite shoe brand? irregular choice.
What do you wear more; jeans or skirts? definitely jeans.
What song do you currently hear? test icicles - "circle square triangle"

T.h.e. W.h.e.r.e.s.

Where do you go to school? carroll college.
Where do you live? waukesha, wisconsin.
Where is your phone? on my desk in front of me.
Where are your parents? dad's a few blocks away, mom's in florida.
Where do you shop the most? online.
Where did you last take a car ride to? back to the dorms after having lunch with andy.

T.h.e. W.h.e.n.s

When did everyone become obsessed with myspace? when they realised that addictions to livejournal and facebook just weren't cutting it...
When did you meet your best friend? well, i met my former best friend in algebra II class, junior year of high school in florida.
When is your birthday? april 14th.
When were you last at school? technically i'm at school right now since i live on-campus.
When did you last see your dad? a few days ago.
When did you last take a shower? just showered.

T.h.e. W.h.y.s

Why are you taking this survey? because i'm an addict and i enjoy these.
Why do we have to go to school? so we can avoid working retail or telemarketing for the rest of our lives.
Why are (some) guys jerks? because they think that's an effective way to get ladies...and probably because their mommas never taught them any better.
Why are your best friends your best friends? i don't really have best friends...but my friends are my friends because they're good people that are sensible, honest, caring and fun to be around.
Why are people labeled (like emo, goth, prep etc.)? because we humans are stupid and don't feel comfortable unless everything has some sort of label on it (iono...).

best march 11th ever. best way to forget The Anniversary...most entertaining conversations/bickering as well.

okay, i know you can get the same radio stations on winamp and all...but i've finally embraced itunes. i prefer its simplicity. plus, i'm madly in love with an indie rock station: 3wk undergroundradio. it's made me realise how out of the loop i've been lately with music...i've been immersing myself in only a handful of bands and am starting to get bored with them. so far on this station, i've only heard one band that i'm familiar with, but i've become an instant fan of many new bands...man, i'm so giddy over this! and to think, i was beginning to panic with not having my cds with me over break...bah!

in other news, i'm going ice-skating tomorrow nite. hooray! =D and may possibly do some shopping during the day...but iono, i may save that for the middle of next week when i get really sick of sitting at home with nothing to do...we'll see.

new bands & albums of interest:
antlerand - branches
oceansize - everyone into position
vue - babies are for petting
editors - backroom
some by sea - on fire! igloo

pam'll be happy to hear that i'm playing upbeat indie music...instead of putting her to sleep or making her cry uncontrolably...shit, i'm gonna have a field day at atomic if i end up venturing out that way anytime soon. one of everything! vinyl only!

( high school days )

( love love love )

i had a great day yesterday and am still trying to keep myself on the wave of happiness. tricking myself into believing that i really am happy may prove successful, at least for this weekend.

a friend sent me this little piece this morning...made my heart swell:

went to a puppy mill for the first time yesterday...god, that term "puppy mill" sounds like a concentration camp for dogs...how's about i say puppy farm? anyway, so many cute dogs everywhere! i fell in love with the bassett hound pups though because they whined like human babies...just darling. so, my grandma and her husband picked out a 4-week-old cocker spaniel pup that they will return to pick up in 2 weeks, and you know i'll be going along for that as well!

i'm finding it difficult to hide my recent unhappiness around anyone anymore...on the way to plymouth, i found myself mute and staring out the window at the barren croplands and countryside...jesus, even the photos i took along the way appear depressing. hence, why i only put one up on my photo blog. also along the way, i wrote this:



i know i'm being completely morose and pessimistic about it all...but what prompted that writing was just observing my grandma and her husband in the front seats...i wondered if she was really happy with him or if maybe she married him because she wasn't sure if she'd ever find happiness with someone that she truly loved again...albeit that i'm biased because i strongly dislike the guy (as does the rest of my family)...but the entire ride was done in near complete silence, except for me and her husband debating about the topics being discussed on AM 620. that in itself was quite fun, actually...i guess i just enjoy belittling an uneducated republican who has no basis for his beliefs. okay, so i have trouble believing that my grandma could love someone like that because she's such a sweet, caring and comforting person. to each his/her own, i guess...

i need to find someway to snap out of this...reading, drawing, writing, educating myself...i'm completely past crying. i can't even bring myself to do it because i'm in such shock...walking around like a comatose victim. what have i done? what am i doing? what am i going to do? [[breathe, breathe....please]]

it took me until yesterday afternoon to figure out why i was in such a rotten mood; it was the anniversary of an event that i wish i could make forgettable. i'm actually surprised at how it still affects me with the same power as it did when it happened so many years ago...moreover, i'm upset that it put a damper on a nite that should have been nothing short of fantastic...and i'm sorry that i couldn't let you in even though i wanted to more than anything, but i trust that you respect me having my reasons for hesitation and reservation. some things just aren't necessary to talk about right now...all in due time, all in due time...

i don't know why i haven't been able to stop listening to this song for the past few days...i don't even like coldplay all that much...i guess it hit me right in the heart like dcfc did...well, the melody of it did; not the lyrics, since they're less than mediocre...

it's going to be a long wait for march 11 to come and go...

what started as an urge while taking a walk through the art building yesterday has spawned a few charcoals that i'm pretty proud of...here's one for you to have a look-see at:

( portrait of anthony )

thank you for being my muse for the nite.